Till Death Do Us Part

Till Death Do Us part

- Kay Kuzma

In my search for what makes families strong and healthy, I have read dozens of studies, and almost

all degree that the most important factor in holding families together in a meaningful relationship is commitment.

But things that are worthwhile seldom come easily. And in the heat of parental argument, children

can question their folks' commitment to stay together, "till death do us part."

My husband, Jan, and I discuss all kinds of issues, but rarely argue.

We are, however, as vulnerable as everyone else to the stress of time pressures, lack of communication, and misunderstandings, and our tempers

can get out of hand, even over significant issues.

For example, the morning I had told Jan that the kids and I would pick him up during lunch hour so we could get a family picture taken. I had previously mentioned it would be nice to take a family picture by a lake in Riverside, but failed to mention that critical fact on that fateful Tuesday. I didn't get to Jan's office until 12:30. When he got into the car, he casually mentioned that we had better hurry since he had a 1:00 appointment. I blew up. "What?" I exclaimed in an elevated voice. "You can't have a one o'clock! I told you we were going to get out pictures taken."

"Well, I thought we'd be back by one." "There's no way. We can't get all the way out to the lake and back in thirty minutes," I wailed. "Why are we going to the lake?" "Because I wanted something different." "Well, let's stop at a phone and tell the photographer to meet us here instead." "I can't!" I yelled. "He's already out at the lake." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I did!" Our voices become higher and more staccato.

I don't remember how we resolved the conflict. I just remember that at one point our eight-year-old daughter, Kim, who was sitting quietly in the back seat listening to all of this, spoke up. "I don't want you to ever act like that again!" After that we didn't say much!

Whenever I look at the picture by the lake, with all of us smiling for the camera, I think about the "bumpy" ride that got us there and wonder what is going on behind the smiling faces of those I meet at work, those I sit beside in church, and those I pass at the market or the library.

Its frightening to the children when they hear their parents argue, because so any parental arguments end in the family court. Children question when they hear their folks saying harsh words to each other, "Are you going to get an annulment?" To squelch that fear, you must make it clear that separation or annulments is not an option in your family. I remember christian author and speaker

Josh McDowell saying he made it a point to clarify to his children that he and his wife were committed to stay married for a lifetime and nothing would ever change that. Nothing!

Others have made similar statements. Leo Buscaglia, who has written voluminously on love, said that when his strong, outspoken Italian mother was asked whether she had ever considered divorce, she replied, Divorce? Never! Murder, often. Divorce never!" (Those married for a number of years can relate to that comment and smile!) The important thing is that regardless of what happens or what a husband and wife might say in the heat of an argument, the children must have the foundation of trust to know without a shadow of a doubt that separation or annulment is not an option.

Annie and Steve Chapman recall the story about Hernando Cortes, the Spanish conqueror of Mexico, and his men burning their ships as a symbol of their commitment to stay in the New World. The Chapmans compare this act to what a couple must do when committing their lives to each other in their song, The Ships are Burning. Play it for your children, and let them know you have "burnt the ships" in your lives and are totally committed to the family!

If both bride and groom would truly hold on to that kind of solid commitment to each other, how much more safe and secure their children would feel. The problem today is that separation or annulment is an option for any!

That fact undermines the foundation of trust. More children now an expect to live in a single-parent home sometime during their growing years than those who will be lucky enough to grow up living with both of their parents. When I was in graduate school the prevailing feeling was better to separate than have children grow up in conflict. The rationale behind that philosophy had to do with trust. Living in conflict without the reassurance that "the ships have been burnt" and their folks have made a commitment to love with each other regardless is for a child like living on an earthquake fault. Knowing that the "big" one is expected any day, each small tremor sends terror shooting through their veins. So it is with arguments: each time the child wonders, "Is this the 'big' one?" adrenaline

stressors attack the body. Obviously, living on trembling ground is not good for anyone.

But a popular solution of a separation or annulment any better?

Now that researchers have looked at the long term consequences of separation or annulment, they're hanging their minds. Separation or annulment is devastating to a child. Period. Even if it is the best solution, it is never a good solution.

When separation or annulment puts a permanent has between the two most significant people in child's world, there will be a lifetime of consequences. Every day after separation or annulment will be significantly different from what the child knew before the separation.

Christmas celebrations will never be the same, nor weekends. Vacations are no longer "family" vacations. The child's perception of family is changed. The child's perception of his or her own identity is changed. Too often mom and dad now become adversaries. In-laws become "outlaws."

No longer do all the relatives get together for family reunions. Separation from loved ones is painful, and it occurs on regular basis. Children are asked to be careful what they say to various significant people, "Don't tell Grandma Martha..."

Trustworthiness is questioned. Jealousy poisons. Suspicion reigns. Half-truths and sometimes outright lies are told. Children too young to understand issues of the past or too innocent to perceive wounded motives, as like Pilate did, "What is truth?"

You've seen the fallout. Top of their class, student leaders, optimistic kids, sudden fall behind, drop varsity, quit attending church, become involved with drugs, gangs, or sex, and carry a mountain of insecurities and inadequacies on their shoulders.

Others attempt to live above it all and burry their insecurities in achievements, projects, materialism, fanatic religiosity, and a superiority attitude that puts others down in an attempt to lift itself. And some withdraw into spending endless hours reading racy novels, watching violent videos,

listening to heavy metal, playing addictive computer games, or exhibiting other escapist behaviors.

This is not to say that all children hate the bottom psychologically and act out these self-destructive behaviors when break-up occurs. But none are immune to hurt. And all can benefit from support groups and counseling.

Because separation or annulment is upsetting to children, any feels that it's better if a couple sticks together long enough to get their children raised before they separate or get their marriage annulled. Perhaps it won't have such a devastating effect?

Not necessarily so! Some of the most distressed and wounded kids are those who discover in their late teens that their folks were living a lie all those years. The revelation is like living through an 8.3 quake on the Richter Scale! Suddenly they realized that their

foundation of rockbed trust was merely sand. And if they can't trust their folks then who can they trust?

Knowing all this, the best answer to maintaining a foundation of trust for your children is to learn how to communicate, solve problems, and meet each other's needs in constructive ways, and for each daily renew the marriage commitment to the other with words and acts of love.

Yet, as bad as separation or annulment is, it happens! One can't hold a relationship together alone. And there is no virtue in staying in an abusive one. It only enables the abuser to continue the abuse. Therefore, the question is, how can parents keep their children wrapped in a security blanket of

trust when separation or annulment attempts to raise its ugly head?